Tuesday, September 30
Frau Negativ
We're just at the beginning of our journey, sensing what it might be like to live a little lighter. The outer layer of the onion has been shed with many more layers to go. There are questions, curiosities, concerns. What is the point of it? Does there need to be a point. Isn't the point merely the journey itself? I think it's about letting go. All these years I've been so attached to things and accumulation. It began to feel like a burden and so selling our apartment and getting rid most of our belongings and losing the debt felt like a huge relief. In the final run up to our departure I thought these were the solutions to all of life's problems, and more specifically to my own ennui and dissatisfactions. Yet, here in Berlin, having achieved that, the same worries and self are creeping back out.
I think of the old adage: 'Wherever you go, there you are...'. And here I am, in Berlin and where the hell is my peace of mind? I thought I packed it...did I forgot to put it in my carry-on.
What does a woman in my situation really have to bitch about? There are people, millions of them all over the planet with far greater concerns than my little soif d'eternite. But isn't every person's struggle their own? I think I've developed a deep resistance to myself. Sometimes I feel as though I am watching two me's battle it out in a boxing ring. I think that's commonly called a neurosis, or in Victorian times, hysteria. Either way, sometimes I think I'm out to lunch.
I guess it's better to be out to lunch in Berlin than on Flatbush Avenue.
It's one of the curses of our generation that we've never really had to live with compromise and/or real suffering. Of course people have troubles to get through, but as a society we've never had to live in the midst of a war or through famine or oppression. This is when people really have to deal with life's exigencies, putting aside own immediate concerns for the greater good. My brother (a former Marine in Iraq)is the only young person I know who has any idea of real rather than perceived pressure. Maybe that's changing. The world seems to be moving in fast forward. The first major hiccup of globalisation.
I try to keep things in perspective as I tackle the tiny agonies that fly around my head like gnats. Wake up leibling - it's called "get over yourself".
Pathetic as it may sound, sometimes I imagine I am a celeb trying to be incognito. It's even more fun to play this game overseas. I can tell this confession may come back to haunt me.
Speaking of celebs, I hear Brad and Angie are here with their whole UN kinder-armada. Supposedly they were seen chilling at the spielplatz in our nabe a few days ago. Those guys are real down to earth you know - jet-setting from palace to mansion to villa to premiere -it's so easy to relate to them. I hope they're buying carbon off-sets. Maybe we'll get together for an ex-pat playdate at their Schlosspalace. I'll be sure to post pics if we do.
Sunday, September 28
e.e. cummings
2 little whos by E. E. Cummings 2 little whos
(he and she)
under are this
wonderful tree
smiling stand
(all realms of where
and when beyond)
now and here
(far from a grown
-up i&you-
ful world of known)
who and who
(2 little ams
and over them this
aflame with dreams
incredible is)
(he and she)
under are this
wonderful tree
smiling stand
(all realms of where
and when beyond)
now and here
(far from a grown
-up i&you-
ful world of known)
who and who
(2 little ams
and over them this
aflame with dreams
incredible is)
Wednesday, September 24
48 hours in Prague
Just got back from a quick visit to Prague. Gorgeous city - stunning buildings and all that. Can't say a bad thing about the loveliness of Prague or I'd sound like a true curmudge.
What was off-putting however were the monstrous hoards of unmannerly tourists, coming mainly from somewhere in the Eastern block we concluded. Literally bus loads of them everywhere, pushing and shoving their way through the city. Repugnant, surly-looking individuals too, like extras from Shrek without the cartoon charm. Worse, they behaved as if they'd broken out of a Lithuanian prison. Did the beautiful people decide Prague was out this year or something? (I know I am being blantantly elitist, but this is my blog and I can say what I want!)
We tried unsuccessfully to dine at authentic Czech restaurants, hoping to sample some gulash or who knows what. Sadly, the currish masses had invaded those places so we ended up at a Pizzeria. Turns out the pizzerias are more "authentic" than the Czech spots, featuring edgy Czech fashionistas drinking Budvar (aka Budweiser) accompanied by their their dogs. I guess the "knuckles roasted by pheasant on black beer with onion and grandmother cabbage crackles" will have to wait for our next visit.
Our friends here who grew up in former East Germany said Prague was a great meeting place for East Germans before the Wall fell. People from Iron Curtain countries could rendez-vous with friends and family from the West there without fear of repercussions. It made me happy to think of Prague in this light - as a joyous place where you could be free for a minute without feeling like you were being monitored.
And on that note, I had to include the bottom picture in my selection...I think it's a winner! It's a window display at Louis Vuitton characterized by surveillance cameras trained on a purse. I love that they are so unapologetic about their totalitarian past and also clever enough to subvert it in the pursuit of capitalism!
Tuesday, September 23
F*%ck Aladdin
This is a confession - and I hope no one will think less of me for sharing.
I was definitely in the camp of those who vowed not to allow their kid to watch any televsion. After all, my mother didn't let me watch it and I turned out ok. NOT! To be fair, I rarely watch tv but on the rare occasion that one is in my vicinity and switched on I become a complete zombie. So that was the psychology behind A & I sticking T in front of the telly for the first time when she was...well... what does it matter anyway. Turn her a zombie temporarily so we can have a good old fashioned romp! (Decent programs obviously like Charlotte's Web, Mary Poppins, Sesame Street - no commercials of course which would make them rude and obnoxious!) After all, who has the energy for a shag when the children are finally in bed. Morning shag - if you are lucky enough to have kids that wake up after you, then perhaps. And any self-righteous parent who swears they never allow tv is obviously not getting any.
Was I wrong to think that Aladdin might be mildly educational? Why not introduce T to some of her Middle Eastern heritage while ma & pa get it on in the other room. Degenerate negligent pervs!
Well our libidinous motives have at last caught up with us. T had been acting like a right little shit for a few days. She would stomp her feet, cross her arms defiantly and say "I can make my own decisions now!" We racked our brains for answers. Must be the move, being in a foreign place, the weiner schnitzel... 4 year olds simply don't pull that out of thin air. Particularly when that 4 yr old is in Germany where she doesn't understand or interact much with English-speaking kids. Then it dawned on us - it's that f%@*king little slut Jasmine! We watched the movie. Sure enough there's a scene where a liberated Jasmine crosses her arms angrily and turns to the Sultan yelling "I can make my own decisions now!"
Some would call it hubris. It's been a week we've yet to break her of that line. One thing's for sure, it's back to Mary Poppins you little trollop! Or maybe a book...
Monday, September 22
Picture Gallery
Tuesday, September 16
Berlin is a beach!
I know Germany has a sketchy past. They're still trying to put that one right. But I gotta say, I love Berlin! It's such an easy city to live in and be normal (as in not frazzled 24/7). These are some of the things I love:
1. Daycare starts at 16 euros a month? (no that wasn't a typo - A MONTH!!! That is for full time by the way! It's government subsidized so they are on a sliding scale and they are all adorable too with the little Ikea sprocket furnishings.
2. Cycling. On Sunday we walked over to the Mauerpark flea market and bought a used bike. We are borrowing one bike and some friends lent us a couple baby seats so we just needed a second ride to feel truly local. Anyway, the Russian guys at the used bike spot wouldn't cut us any deals but we figured 50 euros for a decent bike with a basket was a pretty reasonable price to pay for 6 more weeks of tootling around town. So we've been riding all over with S in a wee helmet on one bike and T in the back of the other.
Cycling around here is de rigueur. Every street (literally EVERY street) has a bike lane and it's no problem to ride on the sidewalks too. I've never been to other parts of Germany, but Berlin seems to have it dialed. When they thought about rebuilding the city they decided to get it right. Everything is very intuitive.
Ok, for example, imagine you are riding across the Brooklyn bridge and you look over and see a little stretch or green below and decide it would be nice to get there on your bike and ride along the East River, ending up in, say Red Hook, taking in the views and maybe stopping for a beer on the way. You can't imagine it because it cannot be done! That scene is a disaster. You have 2 options, neither of which are particularly sweet:
Option A) the shortcut: You must first dismount from your bike to get down from the bridge to the waterfront then carry the bike down a miserable smelly-piss-hole-rat-infested stairwell then wind your way down to the waterfront which is nice only for 100 yards or so before you hit the warehouses and garbage strewn feeder road to the BQE again. Then do you merge with traffic on the BQE to get to Red Hook or do you cut through the Port Authority shipyards and risk being arrested on suspicion of terrorism?
Option B) Get out of the pedestrian/bike lane, jump across the divider and merge onto the BQE, look death in the face and keep peddling til you get to Red Hook. Skip the views and the beer cuz you'll need all your wits about you to get home in one piece.
You get my point. Here you can leave your flat and never have to dismount your bike, choosing only scenic roads until you reach your riverside destination. Then you can decide whether you want to look at breathtaking new architecture as you eat your afternoon streudel in the park (ok the architecture is great in NYC too!) or hang out at any number of beach cafes along the Spree.
That's right beach cafes. The Germans are big on beach "kultur". Everywhere you go there is a sandbox of some kind, be it for kids or adults. Adults love sand here. There are volleyball courts in almost every park. Go figure... For some obscure reason they have taken it upon themselves to bring great volumes of sand to a region that doesn't have any. It's good actually because the little ones love sand - it's better than tarmac.
(PS. If you'd rather take another mode of transportation, take your pick...bus, tram, U-Bahn, S-Bahn, perhaps a nice Mercedes taxi...(they come right to your door and all carry an extra child seat). And this being Germany, they are never late or dirty or busted. As it should be.)*
In another month when the blue skies fade to grey, perhaps we will have had enough of Berlin, but for now it suits us just fine.
*I am constantly wondering why a city like NYC can't seem to get it's shit together with public transportation. Remember standing in rage on a crowded platform as train after train passes but no MY train - everyone wondering where the f*#K is MY train. Do they train the MTA workers to use the loudspeakers - of course. Do they feel put-upon, drained at the very thought of having to make an announcement? Is it a conspiracy - I am convinced of it. They hate us, meaning the general public. I guess it costs a little more to get around in Germany - an adult fare costs 2.20 euros to most places. But I would happily pay more to have a system that is actually user-friendly. We pay top dollar to live in a city that treats us like douche-bags.
I'm sorry, I know I am starting to rag on NY. Hey don't get me started on healthcare. That makes me angrier than a wildcat stuck in a tarpit.
Stay tuned for my photo editorial on Berlin street fashion.
Sunday, September 14
It could happen again...
At the entrance to the exhibition of the Holocaust Memorial is a quote by Primo Levi that says something to the effect of "What matters is that it happened and therefore it could happen again". The memorial is really something everyone ought to see at least once. It not only makes the past atrocities tangible and immediate, but as a piece of art or sculpture it is quite breathtaking.
We let the girls run around and play a game of hide and seek among the monolithic grey columns for a bit. Despite the obvious gravity of the memorial, there is a sense of playfulness about it. People were having fun darting in and out of sight of each other. The massive installation covers a city block. Rows of undulating rectangular stone columns in varying sizes. It's random and systematic at the same time. The game with the kids began innocently enough but soon became scary. One second you could see people down every aisle, T & S were laughing - the next it was empty - row after row, aisle after aisle. And then in an instant the people emerged from behind the columns as if they had always been there. At one moment I wanted to stop the game - what if the girls got lost? It could happen.
I am reading an excellent book right now by Bernard Schlink called "The Reader". It's a meditation on German guilt. It's spare and painfully lucid. Here's a quote:
"What should our second generation have done, what should it do with the knowledge of the horrors of the extermination of the Jews?...Should we only fall silent in revulsion, shame and guilt? To what purpose? ... But that some few would be convicted and punished while we of the second generation were silenced by revulsion, shame, and guilt - was that all there was to it now?"
At the risk of sounding hollow and invective, I have to say - it is happening again - this time in Sudan. The world sits and idly watches a genocide take place from the warm comfort of our living rooms. Inured to the horrors by the dull hum of our plasma TVs. I guess I don't have to get into that now.
We are all guilty.
Thursday, September 11
Yeats
THE SONG OF WANDERING AENGUS
by: W.B. Yeats
- I went out to the hazel wood,
- Because a fire was in my head,
- And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
- And hooked a berry to a thread;
-
- And when white moths were on the wing,
- And moth-like stars were flickering out,
- I dropped the berry in a stream
- And caught a little silver trout.
-
- When I had laid it on the floor
- I went to blow the fire a-flame,
- But something rustled on the floor,
- And some one called me by my name:
- It had become a glimmering girl
- With apple blossom in her hair
- Who called me by my name and ran
- And faded through the brightening air.
-
- Though I am old with wandering
- Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
- I will find out where she has gone,
- And kiss her lips and take her hands;
- And walk among long dappled grass,
- And pluck till time and times are done
- The silver apples of the moon,
- The golden apples of the sun.
Wednesday, September 10
Wo ist mein lover?
I want to find A again...
A the lover - not the person I nag every day.
In Helmholzplatz, our little playground across the street, I saw some alternative-looking parents groping each other. Maybe that sounds pervy - but their kid was playing and they were just wantonly passing time .
My prudishness kicked in. He was properly fondling her breasts - under the shirt.
Racy... Verboten!
Hey people this is a playground not a movie theatre! What will the kinder think? I was both incensed and intrigued.
I put on my reflective aviators to have viewing privacy.
Heiß!
Could I be that way with A again with two kids constantly demanding our attention?
If my observations were correct, they appeared to only have one kid and I did notice the kid was a bit scuffed up.
Undoubtedly a result of negligence.
Tuesday, September 9
Layover -Amsterdam
(PS. This is not what Berlin looks like)
As some of you know, after years of complaining, the Tehrani family finally threw in the towel on NYC. Sold the only sensible investment they ever owned, cashed out, and are off on a jaunt.
I made the flight solo with the girls after A decided to take a 1 day shoot with Salman Rushdie in Cabo, which actually turned out to be a 2 hour shoot. Turns out he's a bit of a sweaty perv (Salman, not husband). Apparently he gets a free vacay in exchange for making a "literary appearance", whatever that means.
Anyway, that's beside the point. 1st stop - Amsterdam. We used miles to purchase our tickets, which meant making some compromises - ie; a 2 day layover in NL) It's not advisable to fly 8 hours with 4 suitcases and 2 small children to a country where the staircases are 12 inches wide and extremely steep, FYI - in case you were tempted! At the risk of sounding like a spoiled American, the B&B (inappropriately named La Vie en Rose) was a dump. I am usually quite adept at finding inexpensive yet stylish accommodations. T and I slept in a room that smelled like fried Gouda. The baby was set up in a cot directly above a youth hostel where the waft of hashish through the open window (we needed to air out the gouda stink) induced a full night of rest.
In a rare stroke of luck, our dear friends (and T's godfathers) Ben & Richard* happened to be in Amsterdam as well. Ben came to rescue us from our perilous B&B situation. Dickie is researching his next novel and Ben revising his dissertation (something about the Book of Job and the art of the Weimar Republic or ummmm.....I forgot) and seeing a personal trainer to control his spare tire (by his own admission). However I suspect he has more than a few rendez-vous with Sensa Milla!
2 days later, A joined us at the Amsterdam train station here we boarded a 6 hr train for Berlin and last night we finally arrived. Our place here is fabulous and I never want to leave! It's a penthouse apt. in this great area called Prenzlauer Berg. We have tons of light and it's very sparsely furnished and I love it! We have a terrace with a view of the TV tower in Alexanderplatz. There is a little park across the street where you can order a cocktail or a smoothie and let your kids run around (mind the disenchanted drunks - this was East Berlin after all!)
So we'll be here for about 7 weeks and then the plan is to continue on to Istanbul, unless we fall in love with Berlin in which case we might change the plan a bit.
T got accepted to the little Waldorf school in San Marcos, Guatemala in Jan. It's an odd place with a slightly questionable philosophy, but I think it will be good for her to socialize and learn Spanish. They are not "allowed" to learn to read or write until they get their 2nd set of teeth (apparently that's when the energy can be directed to the head) - and parents are discouraged from reading to them at home too (okay - whateveeeeeeeeeerr!!!). They wanted to know if I took drugs during labor and whether I had a c-section (warning hippy stazi alert!) Anyway, it's only for 6 months so I'm sure she won't turn into a sisters-of-ishtar child in that length of time! The upside is that they learn how to grow food. Nothing like a bit of child labour to send the Berkeley PC folk into orbit.
The plan for us in the year to come is to regain the piece of us (both as individuals and as a couple) that got tarnished in NYC. Not blaming NY per se - but it's a hectic place to be - let alone to raise children - and expensive and stressful. We became the people we used to disdain who spoke only of real estate and pre-school, and frankly I was starting to sound like a cranky hollow brittle biAtch!
Enough -now we own nothing - the children go to school nowhere and we are free to seek... Yes I know it sounds corny and a bit idealistic. It's a fine line between brilliance and insanity - particularly when you are travelling "tourist class" with kids - so which side of that line we fall on remains to be seen - but at least we're putting ourselves out there and that is a little bit of victory for us.
As for the days and how to fill them - home schooling to some degree plus I have several writing projects that have taken a back burner for years to get back to. So we have a schedule laid out involving all these things. Alex will undoubtedly be called away as often as not for work so I'll have to be flexible. But the screenplay and one of my 2 book ideas must come to fruition during the next few months. We are also taking lots of pics (a la Cookie magazine) for resale through a stock photo agency. I will be the pseudo-photog so his reputation as a so-called "legit" photographer will not be compromised.
I am also on a mission to take up mediation - otherwise will resort to botox to fake the appearance of tranquility!
*Richard Mason, precocious novelist working on his 4th book. It's a name-drop, yes, but a little PR never hurt. My blog is obviously the go-to source for literary recommendations!
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